It’s snowing tonight. I did not know that there would be snow when I woke up to go to work. So I just bopped along, watched LOST on DVD, putzed about in the kitchen and made breakfast. I had hot cereal and an ice cream sandwich made of cranberry waffles and eggnog ice cream.
I was a little bit later than usual leaving the apartment. I had not looked outside all day since I slept through it. I had debated about going out to see a comedian before work, but laziness kept me inside. So it was a complete surprise to me when I stepped out the front door and saw a horde of invading flakes staging an occupation of my car and the surrounding territories for miles around.
I do not remember ordering this.
Don’t get me wrong. I love snow. I just would have left for work earlier if I had known that it was there.
In other news, I am alive. What’s that you say? It’s obvious that I am alive? Well yes, but I was recently informed that this did not have to be the case. In fact, a few days ago my continued status was anything but assured. Apparently, the infection came pretty close to becoming an abscess which then could have worked its way into my brain.
Nobody ever told me that oral hygiene could be a matter of life and death. And worse, this was not even something that I could have prevented. It was caused by the fact that the root canal I had five years ago was incomplete and went bad. There were no warning signs. One day I was be-bopping along and the next … WHAM! I was taken hostage as a tooth that I had heretofore believed to be harmless hijacked my central nervous system.
My brain became like the freeways around Chicago at rush hour. All electrical pathways were jammed. I imagine a telephone operator of the old style, routing calls by means of plugging and unplugging various wires. Suddenly, all the lines were busy and only one message was getting through. PAIN!
Other senses? What other senses? Who needs sight when the pain is coming from inside you? Hearing? No way. Smell/taste? Hahahahaha! No. There was only feeling and to tell the truth, I am pretty sure that someone could have cut off one of my limbs at that point and I would not have noticed.
Hmm, it occurs to me that a truly unscrupulous person could have taken advantage of me in that state. I would have done anything for the promise of ending the pain. “Hey, Owen! We need to take pictures of the Komodo dragons! Now go rub rotting meat all over your body so that we can attract them and then we’ll give you the morphine. What? No, you can’t have the morphine first. Just lie down here and pretend to be dead. Don’t worry about any carrion birds. They will add to the verisimilitude. But maybe you should lie face down so that you can protect your eyes. No, you won’t be able to see the dragons coming, but we’ll call out when we see them and you can run. What? Sure, we’ll pay attention! And if you get bitten, at least the pain will stop, right?”
I wonder if that’s how Marlin Perkins got Jim to do all that crazy stuff on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom?* That would certainly explain a lot about their relationship!
[*] If you have no idea what I am writing about, or if you do and feel nostalgic, you can watch complete episodes on YouTube.