Here I am, back in New Mexico.
Albuquerque this time, not Santa Fe or Los Alamos.
Lots has changed in the past ten years since I came here the first time. So, why does this place affect me like it does?
I think it is because I was so close here. I was so close to fulfilling dreams that I did not even know that I had.
I came here broken. Unsure of myself, but ready to try. Ready to fly. I was literally working on a project whose name translated to “miracle.” And it felt like a miracle that I was even hired.
And as time went on, I grew stronger. I grew more sure of myself. And I remembered some of the happiness that I had lost in Ohio. Only loneliness was my enemy. And eventually, even that changed.
Eventually, I lost it all. I went back to Ohio feeling all the worse for having tasted dreams so sweet.
I got a new job. A better paying one. Worse hours though. And the loneliness is far more complete.
It sent me here for a two week course in accelerator physics. Well, I volunteered. A chance to learn more for my current job, yes. But also a chance to prove to myself that I can make it this time. I can win. I can be happy.
And yet, unless something changes soon, when I leave on Monday I will leave feeling like someone chewed me up and spit me out.
I know now. I cannot come back here until I bring the happiness with me.
The Land of Enchantment showed me what was possible, but I need to bring the raw materials and work on my own milagro.
UnCool Before UnCool Was Cool 